“Islam, Christianity, and Buddhism each have founder figures – Muhammad, Jesus, and the Buddha, respectively. And in thinking about these founder figures, I believe we must finally conclude that each brought a message of radical hope. To seventh-century Arabia, Muhammad brought the promise that anyone could find fulfillment and everlasting life through allegiance to the one true God. The Buddha held out hope that suffering could be transcended. Jesus brought the message that the last shall be first, that even the tax collectors and lepers – the outcasts – had cause for hope. And so that is the question I leave you with in this final: What is your cause for hope?”
Looking for Alaska – John Green
Faith is important to me. My relationship with God is important to me. But sometimes, in the midst of illness, that gets obscured.
I’ve read and heard stories of people who, at their lowest, felt God’s presence, and they knew everything was going to be ok. I haven’t ever been so lucky. When I feel particularly bad, I feel far away from God – disconnected, and lost. And I can’t help but wonder why.
I know it has a lot to do with my own attitude to myself. I have a problem with feeling that I deserve to be loved. Now, I believe that God loves everyone, no matter who they are or what they’ve done. And I would argue that point strongly with anyone who was questioning their own (or anyone else’s) worth. I can believe it for everyone else. But with myself, I get stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts.
This is something I’m working on with professionals, but in the meantime, I’m struggling again with feelings of inadequacy.
These days, I have ‘God moments’. They are few and far between, but they do happen. And although I am hugely grateful for the moments I get, I want more. I want to feel closer to God. Because these fleeting, ephemeral moments are something that bring me hope. Hope that things can improve. That I won’t always feel the way I do. That change is possible. And for that I am truly thankful.